10 Things I Learned in Esquire Magazine; Sept 06
1. In her 10 Things You Don’t Know About Women article, Jenna Fischer showed she’s kind of, um, risque (or normal). Some highlights:
“We can make a celebrity ‘safe list’ if you want. But I am way more likely to get Patrick Dempsey to fu$% me in a bathroom than you are to get Lindsay Lohan to suck you off in a car.”
“If you act excited about the bath mat we bought at Target, you will get laid.”
“When we say, ‘I don’t feel connected,’ the only appropriate response is, ‘I feel it too. Let’s go out for a nice dinner and reconnect.’ Try it. You will get laid.”
“If you can locate the following items in our home – tape, casserole dish, Christmas ornaments – you will get laid.”
2. I want this. It recommends distilling a 12 pack of Budweiser, adding juniper berries, allspice, and orange peel to get 10 ounces of “Bud gin.” Sounds delicious.
3. You cannot gauge the size and color of a woman’s nipples by looking at another of her body parts.
4. Daniel Craig is only 37 years old. He looks like he’s in his forties, I think.
5. Brooks Brother has updated and is reintroducing its “No. 2" suit that was big in the 50's and 60's. The suit has a “suppressed waist, narrower pants, and a slim two button jacket.” Sounds good to me.
6. Wine distributors will not distribute wines with nipples on the label. Former Italian pornstar and new vintner Savanna Samson learned this the hard way.
7. Stephen Baldwin found Christ after 9/11 and is now an evangelist.
8. A joke from a beautiful woman:
This woman goes in for a face-lift and the doctor says, “We’ve got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head and every time you feel like you need a lift you just turn.” She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years. But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. “I’ve got these huge bags under my eyes,” she complains. The surgeon replies, “Those aren’t bags; those are your breasts.” “Ah,” she sighs, “that explains the goatee.”
9. Eva Gabor used to put red lipstick on Merv Griffin’s horses.
10. Sean Preston Federline was named worst dressed man for 2006.
Today’s Song: Raspberry Beret, Prince
posted by h.justin @ 8:57 AM
7 Objection(s)!
7 Comments:
1. Duh.
3. True.
7. And he's super creepy now, too.
9. The Gabor sisters rock.
Should I be embarrassed to tell you, the joke in #8 is one of my mom's favorites? Seriously, she told it to her own plastic surgeon before having a little nip and tuck.
b-lo: Georgeory has always loved your mom's goatee.
He loves a trip through Laurel's Canyon.
So Justin, you going to ask Santa for the moonshine maker this Christmas? Maybe you could modify the recipe and make it in your bathtub?
I can't believe this is my mom, the college professor, we're talking about. It reminds me of that "Yo Momma" show I skip over on MTV.
B-lo, you were the one that brought up "yo momma". The same woman whose recent internet searches included "pussy sores" and "gay animal sex".
Aunt had to make sure the www knows that she didn't INTENTIONALLY steal porn from the airport, and b-lo has to make sure the www knows her mom is respectable. Peas in a pod, you two.
Recent internet searches only because she has students writing papers on such topics. Not because she's a perv with an std. For the record, her "gay animal sex" search was in response to a student's claim that only humans exhibit homosexuality and therefore it is not natural. She knew that was false and went to the trusty internet to do some research. Needless to say, "gay animal sex" did not bring up National Geopgraphic. And pussy is spelled the same as pussy (as in puss), poor woman didn't know what hit her.
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