Um . . . I'm going to need to speak to someone about this.

Yesterday, I received a very large pile of mail. Contained therein was a very ceremonial-looking envelope from Washington D.C. I opened it, but was most definitely not ready for what was inside.

The letter was addressed to me from the chairman of the Republican National Committee. He stated that he was proud to present me with my 2006 Platinum Member card which was enclosed. And he wasn't lying. Contained in another smaller envelope was my very own "2006 Platinum Member" card bearing my name and membership number. The card is indeed platinum colored and has a picture of the White House on the front together with the RNC seal. On the back, well, the back is my favourite part because it reads:

"This Platinum Card has been issued to the bearer by the Republican National Committee in recognition of an extraordinary level of commitment to the Republican ideals and values that are the foundation of our Party and our country.

The bearer of this card should be given special consideration by all Republican leaders as one who has provided the lifeblood of our Party over many years."

Somebody must have made a mistake. The only Party I've been the lifeblood of involved a karaoke night at the Kegler. And a couple raucous weekends in Las Vegas. And as for "an extraordinary level of commitment," well, I don't think I've shown an extraordinary level of commitment to anything other than drinking 8 glasses of water a day and making sure I engage in some sort of recreational travel at least once per month. But I accept this honor and recognition.

How do I capitalize on this mistake for the common good? The possibilities seem endless. With this card, I am invincible. When I think of the damage I do with a measly platinum American Express card, I am awed at what I can accomplish with this RNC platinum card. (Admittedly though, I'd rather have a Delta platinum SkyMiles card. I'd get alot more benefit from that.)

So anyway, if anyone needs me to change some laws or regulations for them, or get them appointed to a judgeship or ambassador position, let me know and I'll call one of my new friends. I'm happy to help.