Reader Request:
One of my loyal readers, albeit heretofore a lurker, requested that I post the following Carolyn Hax article (taken from the Salt Lake Tribune), and solicit thoughts on the question and answer.
Dear Carolyn: Would you mind outlining why being ''friends with benefits'' is a bad idea? (I get the impression that's the case.) I'm in a friendship that could turn into that, and I seem to be missing why it could be a bad thing. - Pittsburgh
Dear Pittsburgh: I don't like the ''bad'' or ''good'' labels here. What I come across most is that FWB arrangements usually involve people who say they can't see why there'd be a problem with it - when the opportunities for exploitation and denial (of unrequited love) are staring them right in the face. As long as people are honest with themselves that they're attempting to reduce a potent emotional situation to almost a business arrangement, and that the arrangement is highly unlikely to stay within whatever neat boundaries they try to draw for it, and that people are likely to get hurt when it doesn't, then it becomes a matter for adults to decide for themselves.
Another question is for one in a "Friends with Benefits Relationship" how long can one stay in the relationship without fear of cutting themselves off from other more rewarding, fulfilling relationships?
I don't even know if I have a singleton reader demographic to prompt much response on this, but well, the lines are open . . .
posted by h.justin @ 11:52 AM
11 Objection(s)!
11 Comments:
I'll take that action.
FWB can be both good and bad. Good if both parties really are in it only for the benefits, have no interest in pursuing a relationship with the other person and can leave all emotion at the door (be it a bedroom, kitchen, etc.). Bad if one person involved hopes that the benefits will lead to something more, which seldom if never happens. If/when that does happen, there can be a lot of resentment from one or both people. To my knowledge, most FWB are generally drunken late night booty calls, full of half-hearted game. I think when we're in our early 20s it's hard to see a down side to no-strings sex. As we (hopefully) mature the pitfalls of such a relationship are bigger and best left alone.
If someone is in a FWB relationship and fears they may be letting opportunities for a real relationship pass them by, as soon as that thought hits them it's best to jump ship.
Anyone else?
I think I'm with you slcup, particularly this bit: "To my knowledge, most FWB are generally drunken late night booty calls, full of half-hearted game."
I would have to go back to the scene in When Harry Met Sally. "Can women and men truly be just friends". He says no, she says yes. Harry felt that once one or the other has thought about having sex with that "friend", then they are no longer friends. You may not be attracted to your "friend", but more than likely they are attracted to you sexually. Usually, the attracted party may have not stated it in order to hold on to something that will most likely cause them heartache in the end. If you choose to play the FWB game, then are running the risk of losing that "friend". Sex, bottom line, changes the dynamic. As far as sex goes, women need a reason, men just need a place. And, I agree that holding on to something that is not there and passing up something that may be great for you, is just sad.
Forgive me for my writing errors. The soap box makes me ramble, and I did not spend time reviewing it as one of my nutty clients was on his way in the door. I wish someone could be in on sessions just to hear their life stories!! YIKES.
Can't you just record the sessions for us?
Oh, I wish. I love when I get the guys who have been to prison more than once, and have stabbed, and I am sure killed people. I usually do not get into that part of it, just what landed them there to begin with. The funny part is....I really like them. If my friends could hear half of the shit.....they would die, die, die!!
It's pretty rare that FWB remain friends. One of the parties usually develops "more than" feelings and is hurt when the other moves on to a romantic relationship with someone else. From past experience, I suggest having a "Booty Call". When you're done, you're done. No need hang out and be friends while you're waiting for the next hook-up.
Did my esteemed aunt just admit to the world wide web that she indulged in pre-marital booty calls? You be representin'!
Oh no, I should have said...from all of my friends past experiences. so sorry!
Aunty,
Your post made me think of Boston's song: More Than A Feeling.
"It's more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away...."
Justy, if you only knew aunty from the past! What happens in the dark, always comes to the light. "Cross over children, all are welcome, all are welcome".
I learn so much about my dear aunt-in-law from this blog. Thanks HJ and Aunty S.
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