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Four and a half hour plane ride with this character.

Adios!

I leave tomorrow morning for a trip to Cancun. I've never been to Cancun, so I am excited to discover a new vacation destination. Actually, almost everyone I know has been to Cancun before, so it is about time I visited.

Here are some highlights from my upcoming trip:

1. White sand beach, turquoise water. Very nice.



2. Seven(!) pool areas, including one infinity pool. I need that.



3. Swim-up bar. Sounds like trouble, but at least there aren't a blackjack tables in the pool (as there are at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino).



4. Housekeeping turns towels into swans. A little corny, but I will no doubt appreciate the gesture.



Hopefully, I will have computer access so that I can post trip updates from the beach.

Have a good week!

Caption This Contest

Winner: Anonymous "Is the groom going to remove the garter or goiter first?"

Ahh . . . The Chicks

Yahoo! headline: "Dixie Chicks Bash Patriotism!" Well, this will be good, I thought. Read the article here. The headline may have been a bit sensational. Actually it is too sensational. Natalie Maines does not bash patriotism; she just questions its value and what it means. Quite frankly, I'm right there with her. When I lived in London in 2000, I remember saying "Patriotism is for people without passports." And that was before Karl Rove re-defined patriotism. Now, if you aren't a "patriot" under his definition, you're a traitor. That's a shame.

When Did This Happen?

Ethan Hawke married Posh Spice's younger sister?

Signs, signs everywhere are signs:

Yesterday b-lo and I discussed signs we would like to see posted:

"We are responsible for your lost or stolen belongings."

"Vehicles will be towed at management's expense."

"Appropriate swimwear is required. Except for women."

"Employees are required to wash YOUR hands."

"Tips are discouraged. You paid too much for your coffee."

"Outside food and beverage welcome."

"Alcoholic Beverages ALLOWED."

"Returns and Exchanges ABSOLUTELY allowed with or without receipt."

B-lo, however, wants to keep the "No Running" signs. That's just good policy, she says.

A Bad Thing Happened.

yesterday. But the "bad thing" requires some background.

On June 3 of this year, I went to the Primary Children's Telethon. To attend, I had to dress up a bit: slacks, blazer, you know the drill. Afterward, I went to The Tavernacle to meet up with one of b-lo's coworkers. Tavernacle was the usual bawdy crowd, off-color songs, and grape popsicle drinks. I left at closing. As I walked out, I helped myself to some of the complimentary party favors on offer in a basket by the exit door.

Earlier this week, I took my Tavernacle slacks to the drycleaners. And yesterday, I picked them up. When I walked into the cleaners, I was talking on my mobile to my friend SJ. Without disengaging from my phone conversation, I told the cleaners' attendant my name and she went to collect my clothes. First, she brought up my slacks and hung them on a rack right in front of me. Then she went to retrieve my shirts. I looked at the receipt attached the drycleaning plastic covering my slacks. A small square packet was taped thereto. Without examining too closely, I thought they had provided a sample stain remover or similar as a complimentary gift. But then I looked a little closer, and realized that they had attached a prophylactic to my cleaning order! A "Pleasure Plus" prophylactic. "WTF," I thought, but then quickly remembered my visit to the Tavernacle in those slacks. I must have acquired a condom from the complimentary basket that night. Well done.

I was mortified, but I didn't let it show. I completed my transaction and got the hell out of there.

The cleaners returned the prophylactic they found in my pants. As though I need that back. As though if they hadn't, I would file a complaint. "I need to speak to the manager! Your cleaners stole my CONDOM!" No, I wouldn't do that. Perhaps they were just displaying their honesty? Right, like they would tape to my receipt a twenty I left in my pants. More likely, they had a good laugh at my expense and laughed back at me.

The horror.

Here is a picture of the horror:

The upside to all this is two businesses in SLC definitely support safe sex: Tavernacle and Red Hanger.

How old

does one have to be before they can legitimately wear an ascot? Just curious.

Has anyone been to the Starbucks on 4th and 7th lately? I would like to know who the dumb shit is that unofficially started forming a line by the cash register on the left. There is one line at Starbucks - unless the Baristas tell you otherwise - but this has not been the case the last two mornings I've been there. Instead of "soup nazi" order, it's been a free for all. No one, well at least I don't, need that when I'm already late for work.

For the past few months I've been thinking that I should give up my day job and go to work at J. Crew. I thought I would fancy working among young people, listening to great music, and getting discounts on clothing. Last night I realized it ain't for me. Some manager lady (who was probably slightly older than me) was hollering at the workers (who were about my age) "WHERE ARE YOUR LISTS?! GET STARTED ON THE POLOS!!" She was a bitch. And I was inclined to remind her that (a) the store was still open to the public; (b) if the workers were worried about their little lists the couldn't help me find a size; and (c) she should shut the f$#@ up and go on break. But ultimately I wanted to thank her for making me realize that with her as manager, I'd only last a day or two with that job because I would yell back. And you probably aren't supposed to do that. In my current job, if you don't yell back, you lose.

This is an entertaining link. Can you name all the movies that are referenced?

Okay seriously, about that ascot . . .

When I Think About the 80's

I think about the brilliant art of Patrick Nagel. Haven't heard of him? Well, you've seen his works of genius. For example,



I was reminded of Mr. Nagel and his beauties on Friday night when I went to karaoke bar Gino's at 33rd South and State. Go. Red leather booths, Nagel prints, and even some Hollywood memorabilia. And some surprisingly good singers. One young bloke did a a rendition of New York State of Mind that almost made me go Paula Abdul, i.e. tears.

Speaking of Nagel prints, I worked in a law office when I was about 14. Typical office boy. Make copies, buy coffee, pick up lunches, deliver documents, etc. One of the attorneys - probably in his early 30's at the time - decorated his office with Nagels. Would that fly today? I doubt it. And that is reason #32 as to why the 80's were the best decade I've ever seen.

I didn't get a chance yesterday to post a caption to the bird picture - I imagined a caption this contest to solicit The Office jokes and all that, but instead I got stuck in a deposition. Anyway, y'all did a good job without needing any splainin' from me.

I had a Vh1 Celebreality marathon last night. That means - The Surreal Life and My Fair Brady. But, the highlight of my tv viewing was a little gem in the OnDemand section of Comcast. Now listen up - if you go to the "Life & Home" section, and pick "Dating on Demand," and then select "One of a Kind," and then pick user "Mathau" or "jumpwaves" - well, you are in for a treat. Trust me. Go home early today and check it out. Matthau is too good not to share. See his video! Maybe one of you ladies will be inclined to hit him up.

And to Sara Z. - have you read East of Eden, The Fountainhead, and Atlas Shrugged? Also, one of my favourite authors, Wallace Stegner, would be good reading while you are away. I'd say Big Rock Candy Mountain and Recapitulation would get you in a Utah state of mind. That is, if you care to get back into such a state of mind.

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Don't You Judge Me.

I'm too lazy to be creative so I stole this from slcup.

1. IF YOU COULD HAVE A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Probably London.
2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Swimsuit.
3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Now That’s What I Call Music, Vol. 63 (UK Import)
4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Around 7am, but I get up much later.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? Wine opener.
6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano. You can always find a piano.
7. FAVORITE COLOR? White - I know, it isn’t technically a color
8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? Sports car.
9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE? Yes. I think.
10. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? The Beverly Cleary collection.
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Summer.
12. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I would fly.
13. DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO? No.
14. CAN YOU JUGGLE? No, but I have a kit to learn how.
15. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? Jane.
16. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Christmas.
17. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR/TRUCK? A wool cap and a cd.
18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Hamburger.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Linden blossom (I'm calling that a flower - I love the scent.)
20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL? Lunch.
21. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? May 28.
22. PREFERENCE: SOUP OR SALAD? Soup.
23. PREFERENCE: MOUTH WASH OR BREATH MINTS? Mints.
24. PREFERENCE: COMPUTER OR CELL PHONE? Computer.
25. PREFERENCE: POPCORN OR PEANUTS? Popcorn.
26. PREFERENCE: COKE, SPRITE, OR DP? Coke - the universal mixer.
27. DO YOU HAVE: CABLE OR SATELLITE TV? Cable.

Um . . . I'm going to need to speak to someone about this.

Yesterday, I received a very large pile of mail. Contained therein was a very ceremonial-looking envelope from Washington D.C. I opened it, but was most definitely not ready for what was inside.

The letter was addressed to me from the chairman of the Republican National Committee. He stated that he was proud to present me with my 2006 Platinum Member card which was enclosed. And he wasn't lying. Contained in another smaller envelope was my very own "2006 Platinum Member" card bearing my name and membership number. The card is indeed platinum colored and has a picture of the White House on the front together with the RNC seal. On the back, well, the back is my favourite part because it reads:

"This Platinum Card has been issued to the bearer by the Republican National Committee in recognition of an extraordinary level of commitment to the Republican ideals and values that are the foundation of our Party and our country.

The bearer of this card should be given special consideration by all Republican leaders as one who has provided the lifeblood of our Party over many years."

Somebody must have made a mistake. The only Party I've been the lifeblood of involved a karaoke night at the Kegler. And a couple raucous weekends in Las Vegas. And as for "an extraordinary level of commitment," well, I don't think I've shown an extraordinary level of commitment to anything other than drinking 8 glasses of water a day and making sure I engage in some sort of recreational travel at least once per month. But I accept this honor and recognition.

How do I capitalize on this mistake for the common good? The possibilities seem endless. With this card, I am invincible. When I think of the damage I do with a measly platinum American Express card, I am awed at what I can accomplish with this RNC platinum card. (Admittedly though, I'd rather have a Delta platinum SkyMiles card. I'd get alot more benefit from that.)

So anyway, if anyone needs me to change some laws or regulations for them, or get them appointed to a judgeship or ambassador position, let me know and I'll call one of my new friends. I'm happy to help.

Um . . . I'm going to need to speak to someone about this.

Yesterday, I received a very large pile of mail. Contained therein was a very ceremonial-looking envelope from Washington D.C. I opened it, but was most definitely not ready for what was inside.

The letter was addressed to me from the chairman of the Republican National Committee. He stated that he was proud to present me with my 2006 Platinum Member card which was enclosed. And he wasn't lying. Contained in another smaller envelope was my very own "2006 Platinum Member" card bearing my name and membership number. The card is indeed platinum colored and has a picture of the White House on the front together with the RNC seal. On the back, well, the back is my favourite part because it reads:

"This Platinum Card has been issued to the bearer by the Republican National Committee in recognition of an extraordinary level of commitment to the Republican ideals and values that are the foundation of our Party and our country.

The bearer of this card should be given special consideration by all Republican leaders as one who has provided the lifeblood of our Party over many years."

Somebody must have made a mistake. The only Party I've been the lifeblood of involved a karaoke night at the Kegler. And a couple raucous weekends in Las Vegas. And as for "an extraordinary level of commitment," well, I don't think I've shown an extraordinary level of commitment to anything other than drinking 8 glasses of water a day and making sure I engage in some sort of recreational travel at least once per month. But I accept this honor and recognition.

How do I capitalize on this mistake for the common good? The possibilities seem endless. With this card, I am invincible. When I think of the damage I do with a measly platinum American Express card, I am awed at what I can accomplish with this RNC platinum card. (Admittedly though, I'd rather have a Delta platinum SkyMiles card. I'd get alot more benefit from that.)

So anyway, if anyone needs me to change some laws or regulations for them, or get them appointed to a judgeship or ambassador position, let me know and I'll call one of my new friends. I'm happy to help.

You Know It's Sloooow News Day

when the blogger dips into the high school archives.

I am streaming the new Billy Joel record today and it has a live version of We Didn't Start the Fire. A song topical today because it was featured in The Fire episode of The Office and that episode aired in the marathon last Thursday. (Okay, I still don't remember whether or not days of the week are always capitalized. Same with seasons. I will look that up this afternoon. And how to use a bidet. I'm still not clear on that either.)

Anyway, here is my We Didn't Start the Fire story. In 10th grade I had one Mr. Seiter for a class I can't remember, and then I had him again in 11th grade for Sociology. Mr. Seiter was a Billy Joel fan. He came up with the greatest extra-credit scheme ever. Well, at least the best I ever encountered. In both classes, he had everyone take out a blank piece of paper. Then he played We Didn't Start the Fire. For every event or person mentioned in the song that you correctly wrote down on your paper, he awarded one extra credit point. For example, if wrote down - "Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray. South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio. Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television" you'd get 11 points. Well, I rocked that extra credit assignment (pun intended) - and it guaranteed me an A in the class twice. And to this day, I make a point of keeping those lyrics handy just in case the extra-credit assignment comes my way again.

Mr. Seiter. In 12th grade, he gave me a D- in newspaper staff - in the 4th term. He wanted to keep me from graduating. But that's another story altogether. My friend Schlupp also got a D- and we thought "maybe we ought to hire a couple of wranglers to go up there and beat the shit out of him" but we didn't want felony charges to go along with our bad grades.

Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide Foreign debts, homeless Vets, AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz, Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and Roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore!

Some Shakins:

B-lo's boss bought an iPod for his wife for their anniversary. A few weeks ago, I made an offer to load it for him. He took me up on the offer. The only direction I had was that he likes REM, Goo Goo Dolls, and Gin Blossoms. Well, that covered about 50 songs on a 60gb iPod. Not helpful. So I pulled out all the stops - everything from Hillary Duff to Elvis to Brit Pop to Hip Hop. Then I had to edit. Eazy E's "Gimme Dat Nut" - removed. Prince's "Get Off" and "Cream" - off. I'm sure I left something questionable on there. The question is what . . .

Conference call entertainment for Susie. The more you move your mouse and cursor - the more action you get.

I watched the Sopranos last night. Quite a cliffhanger there. I'm wrecked with suspense and anticipation. I did not understand the montage with Christopher and Julianna. The movie theater? Please help, if you can.

On Saturday night, round 10pm, I appeared live on a Primary Childrens telethon on KSL. Sam the newsman asked me why I liked to be a member of a credit union. Me? I told him I like to "put my money in a bank - - er CREDIT UNION - - that contributes to such a worthwhile cause." I hope you all missed it due to having better things to do on a Saturday night than watch Deenie Wimmer ask for pledges.

I am scheduled to go to trial on Thursday. The amount of money in dispute: $189.20. You read that right.

I am hoping to go to Lagoon tonight to see Rock U 2 the Top. I'm anxious to see what this summer's hit songs are. I guarantee that Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away" is one. What else?

Hot song download of the day: "Then Came You" by Dionne Warwick & The Spinners.

Here Birdie, Birdie

This poor bird decided to nest at Lagoon A Beach. He had a quiet spot for weeks, I'm sure, but on Saturday the beach opened. And the bird got terrorized by thousands of people. Not a smart bird.

Caption This Contest.

I am overwhelmed by the level of participation. The winners are:

1st Place - Sara Z.

"I got my first Competitive Toenail Growing trophy in '97, at the Amateur Open. My trainer told me I should go pro---endorsement deals, tours...you know, mo' money mo' money mo' money. I chose to stay amateur until '99, collecting several more trophies in the process. When I went pro, the competition was definitely more fierce so there were no trophies again until the '02 Worlds. Which, of course, I won. This picture is for the shoot I did to promote the TV broadcast. It was my publicist's idea to go with the NBC Peacock theme..."

2nd Place - Aunt

"Honey, I wasn't sure which color of car I should get so i thought I'd give them each a test drive."

Some Shakins:

Las Vegas is more fun when you don't gamble and instead pursue adventure like having a drink in every casino on the strip until you end up on the Big Shot at Stratosphere. I've given that alot of thought.

If "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction is on the jukebox, it's automatically one of my picks. Same with "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Today I considered marrying for money. "Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down." I'm not sure I could pull it off.

In 1994, 80's them parties were incredibly popular, and in my opinion, still are. However, it's now 2006 and I have yet to attend or hear of anyone else attending a 90's party. Why is that? Ain't nobody humpin' around?

I think Chanel sunglasses look funny on guys (it was a popular look in LV), but no judgment.

If you haven't seen 9 to 5 lately - see it now. "Oh honey, Violet has flipped out." "I hit my damn knee on the damn coffee table." "Vera we got another stiff in the john." I could keep going. If you have a favourite line, please share. (Thanks Georgeory for the birthday gift.)

I keep thinking of a line from the song "Swing Life Away" by Rise Against - "I've been here so long I think that it's time to move - the winter's so cold, summer's over too soon, let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow . . ." And how.

In honor of Pat Boone's birthday today, I wore white bucks. And in doing so, I established that I am premmaturely middle aged because no one born past, say, 1954 would get that reference.