Mayday, Mayday!

Happy May Day! May, IMHO, is the best month of the year. Although I've many reasons to support my opinion, I doubt it necessary to spell them out. It is sufficient that my opinion is shared by some of my favourite people. You know who you are. Essentially, May is the gateway to summer.

I said goodbye to April 06 last night over dinner with my family at a local restaurant. Afterward, while walking to my street-parked car, I noticed the mountains. It may have been the setting sun - at 8:30pm - or it may have been three glasses of wine, or it may have been a simple one-off, but I actually thought to myself, "the mountains are beautiful."

I never think "the mountains are beautiful." Generally, I feel fenced in by the mountains. They close off the view to the east coast as well as the view to the west coast. But while the moutains generally make me anxious (to escape them for the ocean), many (most?) Utah residents celebrate them. In this particular instance, on this particular evening, I understood some of their appeal. They are majestic and picturesque and this picture certainly doesn't do them justice. But the thought caught me unsuspecting and off-guard. It was a silly thought anyway.

A more substantive thought: three glasses of wine on a Friday or Saturday night is never enough (a mere start, if you will), while three glasses of wine on a Sunday night is far too many. I blame Monday morning. However, when Monday morning is happens to be May 1, well, bienvenido! (A shout out to those celebrating immigration reform and observing the "brown out." Tanning salons, I'm sure, are still open - show your support!)

Did She Have to Bend Over A Knee?

The headline made me laugh out loud. (And I'm still laughing as I type this.)

"Jury Awards $500G To Woman Spanked At Work." Article here.

Apparently her company had some questionable team comraderie building activities:

"Sales teams were encouraged to compete, and the losers were made fun of, forced to eat baby food, required to wear diapers and spanked with a rival company's yard signs, according to court documents."

The article doesn't answer my questions:

On the bum?
With what kind of paddle?
Who actually spanked?
How hard?
Did she know it was coming?
Did she have to go up on stage or was it in the middle of her office?
How many times did she get whacked?
Her bum wasn't bare, right?

I'm still laughing.

It's terrible, I know, I know. And if I read the court pleadings, the depositions, etc., I'm sure I wouldn't find it funny. I do find it questionable that the employer didn't settle. Shit like this rarely gets to trial unless (a) the parties are too far apart with settlement offers, or (b) the claim is really so frivolous that it makes more sense to try it than settle it.

Did others get spanked?
What kind of diapers?
Under their clothes or over?

So many questions . . . bad reporting on Yahoo!'s part.

1 - 2 - 3 - 4

get your woman on the floor. Ya gotta get up to get down.

So Salt Lake City, speakin' of sumpin' new (a thinly veiled reference to Coolio), these are our new clubs. Hot, hot, hot? Not, not, not.

Sigh.

Don't Ask,

Don't Tell. Yesterday at lunch, coworkers discussed "Immigration." They're "tight borders" types. They asked my opinion on the subject. I didn't have much to offer besides, "well, I wish it were easier to get out of America and into France or England or maybe Capri with a visa and work permit." Blank looks. "So how about that Charlie Sheen?!"

But America does have one thing going for it: Country Music. Y'all don't listen to it, but, as mentioned before, I do. Particularly when I am drafting briefs. I heard a new one today that I need to share with you. It's called Billy's Got His Beer Goggles On. No doubt it is dominating jukeboxes across this land. Here are the lyrics:

Awww Yah!
Billy?s at the bar, he's been there all night
First ten beers he's had, since her goodbye
HEY! HEY!
She left him broke, in his new truck
He don't smoke, but he lights one up
Temporary fix, for his heartache
He's hurting bad, but he's feeling great
He's on the dance floor yelling Freebird
Singing off pitch but he knows every word
Grabs him a girl and he holds on tight
He's chasing everything in sight
He'll fall apart when he gets home
But right now his worries are gone
Life looks good, good, good Billy's got his beer goggles on
Hey! Lot of drunks, get real mean
They?ll pick a fight, over anything
Billy wants to laugh, that's why he's here
You won't see him cry, unless you spill his beer
He's on the dance floor yelling Freebird
Singing off pitch but he knows every word
Grabs him another girl and he holds on tight
Now he's chasing everything in sight
He'll fall apart when he gets home
Right now his worries are gone
Life looks good, good, good Billy's got his beer goggles on
He's on the dance floor yelling Freebird
Singing off pitch but he knows every word
Grabs him another girl he hold on tight
He don't see ugly
Through blood shot eyes
He'll fall apart when he gets home
But right now his worries are gone
Cause life looks good, good, good
So good, good, good,
Life looks good, good, good Billy's got his beer goggle on!

Okay, maybe you need to actually hear the music to appreciate the quality of the song.

Maddox and Zahara are so getting a pet.

See it here first.

Happy Strut Your Mutt Day.

Have a nice lunch.

So, I'm pretty sure that I am team Denise, but would like to know if she is really dating Richie Sambora. I know she has the shit to back up her allegations against Charlie Sheen. Why did Emilio turn out so well? Because he was a wrestler in high school? Wait, that was just his character in Breakfast Club. Maybe because he was an Outsider. Damn, another character.

Speaking of 80's movies, whilst in Hawaii, on Sunday evening I saw Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, and Say Anything. It may have been the wine, but it was definitely a trip highlight. The downside was the movies were on the "Women's Entertainment Network." That fact alone didn't bother me - it was more that all the commerical breaks advertised a film series entitled "Guys Gone Wild." Are you girls really buying that movie? I suspect it is frequently used in sorority hazing rituals.

If anyone has Cliffs Notes - - or a secret decoder ring? - - to help me fully understand this season's Sopranos episodes, I will pay top dollar.

I miss Mai Tais and Mojitos garnished with orchids, aka Hawaiian parsley.

Aloha, Maholo

Am back in action at the office following a red-eye flight from OGG to SLC. I had a fantastic trip. But, I need Rehab. Hard Rock Hotel Rehab.


I think this here would make a lovely gift.

Come On A My House

I need to find a local pool that will allow me to use this.

TV Law vs. Real Law

You probably know that the practice of law on television is nothing like the practice of law in the "real world." But in case you haven't ever witnessed some "real world" legal action, here is a video clip from one of my recent depositions:

Operators Are Standing By:

America We Need Your Vote!

Do you AGREE or DISAGREE with the statement below:

Please post your vote in the Objection(s)! section.

[Ed. Note SJ this is your song and dedication]

A Few Peeps from Me

Thank you to the kind person that left tied to my door a Target shopping bag filled with four large boxes of blue, chick-shaped Peeps. It was the best Easter basket I received this year. But I'm confused, are you asking me to Sadie Hawkins Dance?

Thank you to all the guys at my gym. I unknowingly left the jacket I purchased at Sundance this year (quilted black and silver Spyder) in an unlocked locker from 5pm last night to 9 am this morning. This morning when I realized it was missing and hustled to the gym to retrieve it, I found it right where I left it. I appreciate you not stealing it (although I know you wanted to).

Quiz. For best results, be completely candid.

A few years ago my sister taught me a game. It's called "high kick contest." The rules are simple: two or more contestants meet up, find an impartial judge, and each contestant kicks one leg as high as they can and the judge declares whoever kicked highest the winner. I am a two time winner, two time loser. I always kick highest, but still come out the loser. You see the first time my sister and I played we were simulatenously playing slots on the floor of the MGM casino. Our judge was a stranger playing a slot machine near us. I went first and kicked right leg up, but left leg went out from under me. I landed on my head and sustained a subdural hematoma and mild brain damage. The judge saw my blood and split. I know I sustained mild brain damage from that incident because I high kicked again a couple weekends ago. Same result, with a slight twist: same subdural hematoma, same mild brain damage - but this time BROKEN TAILBONE. So Aunt's BFF when you say "oh my achin' ass" - you don't know the half of it.

Turns out Nornna is a HUGE hit on You Tube - so much so that she has even been stalked(!), however my readers are not fans. Pity that. I thought she'd be a special guest star in manner of Heather Locklear on Melrose Place. Sorry Nornna, you get the cane - off my stage.

I liked the Sopranos episode. I like that Angie is "putting money on the street" - whatever that means. And if any of you watched Desperate Housewives on Sunday, I hope you laughed as hard as I did at the Mrs. McCluskey and the Fudgesicle bit.

And did you see last night "What About Brian?" Nevermind lame Brian: The most interesting story line IMHO is couple trying out an "open marriage." Everything old is new again. Am sure the open marriage concept will once again sweep the nation thereby healing the divide between marrieds and singletons. Thanks ABC.

For HC:

To the owners of this dog:

You better keep him on a tight leash and have your eyes on him at all times. Because I intend to find him, and to take him home with me. He will be Mugsy's bff.

She is called Nornna.

Are you familiar with her "You Tube" work? Because I found her via dlisted.blogspot.com, I'm sure she is well known to many. She's quite prolific. If you haven't yet seen her contributions to the world wide web, here is one to enjoy.

Postcard from the OC

If you've given up on the OC, I don't blame you. I should too. The next few episodes don't look to be that exciting. Ryan learns Teresa had a baby. Seth meets up with Anna. Kirsten starts drinking again. Sommer pines for Seth. Taylor speaks Korean. Same, same. I like this prom picture though.


Seth takes Anna? Ryan takes Teresa? Sommer takes Marissa (and also Long Duck Dong's son)?

Eugene.

I found Eugene Mirman's site all by myself. My favourite is "We're Not Gonna Take It". The kid reminds me a little of redrum Danny from The Shining. So enjoy.

The Gambler

gambled with his face. And busted.



I want to see some computer tv wizardry where "old" Kenny and "old" Dolly sing Islands in the Stream with "new" Kenny and "new" Dolly. It should be done as a public service announcement. It's possible, I know it. If they can do a video of Natalie Cole singing with her long deceased father, the computer wizards can make my dream come true.

"Baby when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside
There was something going on"

Shame Kenny thought he needed more than the "fine tooth comb" to get business.

For VT, wherever this may find her:

“I once traveled with a guide who was taking me to Faya. He didn't speak for nine hours. At the end of it he pointed to the horizon and said, 'Faya!' That was a good day.”

Just asking . . .

Short Answer Exam:

(1) This morning I went to Starbucks and ordered a grande drip with extra room. The Barrista was cute and nice: she asked if I preferred to have a grande in a venti cup. I told her I preferred extra room in grande cup. I tendered my $1.83 and she gave me 17 cents change. I kept the change for two reasons: (a) (lesser reason) 17 cents seemed like a lame amount to throw in the tip box; and (b) (major reason) that 17 cents is probably the only coinage I am likely to receive today and I really need it for the parking meter at the gym tonight. And the question: does the barrista think I'm lame for keeping the 17 cents, or does she realize it means more to me than it does her?

(2) My office building has its own parking garage with 8 levels of parking. The parking is always full. One full-time parking attendant works the exit gate. She sits in a little booth and reads. All day long. 95% (I assume) of the parkers have parking cards that when swiped open the parking exit arm. So the attendant can generally sit and read without interruption. But because parkers have to stop and swipe their card near her booth, it is only natural to wave her. I wave every time. So the question: does she like people to wave at her (and interrupt her reading hundreds of times a day) everytime they exit, or would an occasional wave be more in order?

(3) My office building has roughly 20 floors of offices served by six elevators. If, for whatever inane reason, I exchange small talk with a fellow elevator passenger on any particuar day, am I obligated to say "hello" to them should I ever again find myself in an elevator with them? What if I see them at lunch across the street?

In my head I am hearing the voice of Larry David not only asking these questions, but answering them as well. Lucky me.

Listened to Hysteria by Def Leppard on the way to work this morning. Awesome.

Here's an idea:

I think the models in this catalog should have a fraternity/sorority type exchange with the models in this catalog. And they should have to wear the fashions of their respective catalogs.

Can I get a witness on this?

Some shakins:

If you are ever lucky enough to find yourself a bar with a shuffleboard table, cheap drinks, and a jukebox, settle in for a fun night - and maybe even a bar brawl. (On Friday night I witnessed a bar brawl that erupted in chapters - the bouncers just couldn't get it under control. The best chapter was when a 40-plus year old woman started throwing punches, and in the process, ripped off her shirt and fought in her bra - bringing to mind Mia Hamm [correction: Brandi Chastain] for some reason. So that was hot, and I bought her a shot of tequila when she complained to me about her swollen hand. That's how I roll.)

Maybe not today, maybe not next year, but one day, we are going to discover what is up with Tom Cruise - and that will be more fascinating than learning the meaning behind his cryptic reason for divorcing Nicole, i.e. "Nic knows what she did." I hope those Anthony Pellicano tapes fall into the right hands, say Vanity Fair (Conde Nast has good lawyers).

The new ten dollar bills are ugly and further solidify my point that "cash is trash."

I am very much looking forward to a trip to Wendover, Lava Hot Springs, or Las Vegas in this sweet ride. I think I last rode in a minivan when I got a ride home from swim team practice in 1988.

I find that when co-workers refrain from discussing at the office their religious and political views, I refrain from discussing their idiocy.

The girl at the coffee shop this morning complimented my belt.

I thanked her and mentioned that my co-workers tease me about it. She said that she gets teased by her coworkers everyday. So I now have a new friend with blue hair and facial piercings.

Finally, another game from S. http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

Is it Memorial Day yet?

After the nasty weather of April 6, 2006, young Beck and I didn't imagine we'd be swimming in SLC two days later. We had a great time. So did Beck's sister Ava, mum Stella, and friend b-lo. Ella and her parents stopped by, as did Beck's dad, but no group photos were taken. Is it Memorial Day yet? It sure felt like it. (Alright, it was a little chilly at times.)

Behind the Wheel

In 7th grade, "Health" was a required course. My teacher was Coach Downs. Every year, he would devote a class period to going through the seating chart and telling each person in the class what kind of car they would be based on personality traits. A risky little game to play with 7th graders navigating the awkward waters of junior high. One kid was a beat up Ford F-150, a girl was a Caterpillar tractor because she frequently wore a pair of bright yellow shoes. I was a Porsche 911. Needless to say, I was quite pleased.

S sent me this link today - another one of her many "forwards" - it's a "What Kind of Car Are You?" quiz. 17 years later and I am still a Porsche 911. Coach Downs is/was smarter than I realized.

Until I Can Come Up With An Idea of My Own:

Caption This Winner: Stella (for the sheer obscurity of her reference):

"Which one is Peter Scolari?" [hint for the 80's challenged: Bosom Buddies]

_________________________________



Please post your captions for the photograph in the comments section.

I'll get the party started:

"The Finalists in H.Justin's 'Dream Legal Secretary' Competition."

Surely, y'all can do better than me.

s l o o o o o o w afternoon, sorry.

Much Better.

Hopefully yesterday's inclement weather was a one-off and it will be smooth spring sailing from here on out.

Man, really scrounging for topics when the weather is the lead story.

As usual, I watched The OC last night. Unlike the rest of America, I haven't given up on the show. The show appears to have given up on itself, however. Most of the characters wander around looking like they don't know what they should be doing. I think they're all ready to graduate and move on. I liked the song that played (a) when Seth told Summer he wasn't sure he wanted to go to college with her, and (b) when Seth told Ryan he lied about getting into Brown. Unfortunately, I cannot find the song on iTunes. So my project today involves some AIR (ace internet research) to locate and download the song. Should I find it, I will share - and in turn, if you have it, I'd ask that you share it with me so that I can spend my time on a better project.

We Really Need the Moisture.

What a bullshit phrase. We've got plenty of moisture. This weather has gone on long enough. I'm over it. (In fact, was never under it.) Time to be done.

Remember this day: April 6, 2006. Remember how cold it was. Remember the snow. Remember it come June, July, August, and god willing, a few days in May, when it is hot town, summer in the city. Remember how winter is oppressive, depressing, and generally sucks, and realize that summer is, in fact, king.

p.s. Did anyone remember to take a moment yesterday at 1:23(pm), 04/05/06, to reflect on the once in a lifetime moment when the clock and calendar created the numerical 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 sequence? I intended to make a wish. Of course, I forgot. It was a bullshit forward from a paralegal anyway that alerted me to the event.

Also, as you can see, the Motorola SLVR camera phone is no good.

This Just In . . . Aloha!

For the first time, in a very long time, Delta came through for me. I got a SkySaver award ticket to Maui. I leave April 20. Much thanks (er - maholo) to Ali for letting me join her trip.

PSA: The More You Know

Yesterday, I discovered that many people (some of my friends) believe that Utah has a sort of "three day cooling off period" for automobile purchases. More specifically, that if you buy a car from a dealer on Monday, you until Thursday (72 hours) to return the car if you change your mind and wish to cancel the purchase. In fact, there is no such thing. See here. Once you sign the purchase contract, you've purchased the car and car dealers very rarely let you out of the contract simply because you have buyer's remorse or changed your mind.

This isn't legal advice, just a point of reference.

Serves Me Right

I generally ignore the local news. I used to scan the Trib on-line everyday. Now, I generally just read Carolyn Hax on M, W, and F, and movie reviews on F. Consequently, I missed this story last week.

I worked at Baci in the summer of 1995 and the winter of 1996. I generally enjoyed the job. Although I rarely went to the restaurant after quitting for good, I liked knowing that I could always go back and have a margherita pizza and remember all the crimes and misdemeanors I committed with Jane when we worked there together. New Year's Eve 1995 was particularly raucous, debaucherous, and controversial. I stood on top of the bar, fell off, and nearly broke my neck - I was saved when my dinner jacket caught on a barstool suspending me mere inches above the floor.

Heart to you Baci, and heart to you Jane, whereever you are.

Silver Lining: perhaps I'll be able to celebrate my birthday at Ruth's Chris this year - just as I did when I turned 30 (although that was on Maui, bit of a difference in geography there).

Millie

Following yesterday's tale of dog drama, my friend VT shared tales of her beloved, but misbehaved, dog Millie. This is Millie:



Millie's mum likes nice things. ("Only the best for our VT," people have been known to say.) Well, it turns out so does Millie. Within the last six months, Millie has chewed the following: Louboutin, Prada, Chanel - and strangely enough, Banana Republic shoes, as well as a purse or two of similar branding. Despite this, VT says that it is impossible to be angry with Millie and that I too should get a dog. I disagree. When dogs aren't fleeing the property or gnawing on nice things, they are drooling, pooping, or worse. Instead I make do with three houseplants and a newly acquired gnome. Animals are hard.

My Favourite Holiday

The first Sunday of Daylight Savings Time is better known as a my favourite holiday. It is a time to celebrate, rejoice, open the champagne, and take to the swimming pool. Winter is officially over, now it's long days, late nights, warm weather, and all. I love it. I made it through another too, too long Utah winter.

I celebrated my favourite holiday in a non-traditional manner. This weekend I served as dog-sitter for my sister's two dogs - an aged and very much beloved cocker spaniel and a young, spitfire shih tzu. Sister and b-in-law Tom drove down to LV for the weekend and were set to return Sunday afternoon. Yesterday, at nine a.m. the shih tzu fled the property. When he hadn't returned in an hour, I called my friend b-lo to help out. Within two hours, he still hadn't returned, and I'd Amber Alerted and papered the neighborhood and surrounding neighborhood with signs. When I wasn't driving around in my car, I was riding a bicycle, squeaking one of is toys and calling his name. In fact, bicycled so much I should have had a "Live Strong" bracelet on my right arm and Sheryl Crow on my left. When the dog hadn't returned in five hours, I called Jim and Susie for more assistance. Finally, seven hours post departure, I located the dog chained to a basketball standard in the driveway of a home in a nearby neighborhood. A happy ending, indeed. Thanks to all who helped with my search effort.

So, while not the best way to celebrate the holiday, it wasn't all that bad: I got plenty of exercise, met new people, got to spend quality time with friends, and acquired a bit of a tan.




Also, I very much agree with slcup: the James Blunt concert was great. Although I feel bad for telling a fellow concert goer that members of the opening band Boy Least Likely To were formerly in a band called "Drive Shaft" whose best known was "Y'all Everybody," and whose lead singer went missing following a plane crash. She believed me.

The Depot is an excellent venue. A bit like the old Zephyr, but with more space, better organized, and smoke-free.